One step forward, two steps back in children's cinema

I've reached that point in my life where I feel like a majority of the movies I watched as a kid are five thousand times better than anything coming out in theatres for the 5-16 set. If you're reading this, you're probably inclined to agree. (But, if you don't, we have a comment section for a reason - give it a whirl!)

I still remember sitting on the floor, way too close to the television, watching one of our many laserdiscs (oh yeah, we were early adopters). What would be on? Rookie of the Year, for one.

Synopsis for those who don't remember: Little kid (Henry Rowengartner. Yes, really) has an accident. He hurts his arm and needs a cast for a couple of months. After removing this restriction, we find that young Henry has a pretty spectacular throwing arm.

This lands him a spot with the floundering Chicago Cubs. Naturally.

How many kids do you know who play - nay, who are allowed to play - Major League Baseball? Other than Henry Rowengartner, who, let me remind you, is not real, I bet that number is zero.

There's more to it than that, but those bits really don't matter in the great big movie scheme of things.

Ultimately, what this film does is cater to the dreams that only a small minority of little boys will ever get to realize. Think back once again. How many boys did you know in school who ended up being Major Leaguers? If you're exceptional, the number might be one. (Maybe higher if you're from Japan, Curaçao or the Dominican Republic - those boys sure can play, and I say this without the slightest bit of irony or xenophobia! Shocking, I know!)

Take another movie from the era - the still-popular Home Alone, featuring a fresh-faced Macaulay Culkin as the protagonist, Kevin McCallister. In case you haven't caught this film during one of its numerous TBS/TNT/Other Cable Network showings, here is, yet again, a synopsis:

Family going to France. Kid (Kevin) sleeps through alarm. Kevin wakes up. Family is on airplane. Family realizes Kevin is left at home. Kevin runs amok. Kevin tries aftershave. Famous "AHHHHHH!" :O scene. Burglars attempt home break-in after determining that family is on vacation. Kevin saves the day with elaborate toy and elecronic rigs that, under no circumstances, could be accomplished by your usual elementary-schooler without the help of a movie crew. Culkin, luckily, had that crew. (How convenient!) Kid saves the day before Mom comes home.

Once again, a situation many kids would give up their best toys to be in. (Good thing giving up toys isn't a requirement - what would be left for thwarting criminals?)

Another Macaulay Culkin film, Richie Rich, finds the main character in a position where he has unlimited money. Seeing as a lot of kids don't necessarily understand exactly why their parents aren't buying them what they want, whenever they want it, the idea of someone getting what they want with no restrictions sounds pretty much like a dream to most kids.

Okay, I'll admit it, it sounds like a dream to most adults, too. Never mind the fact that little Richie has no friends and wants some desperately - that concept might go over the head of a few kids, especially those blinded by the "oh my God, TOYS" factor.

These characters are all living the dream. They've also got one thing in common - they're all boys.

I may be wrong (and again, let me know if I am), but a majority of the early 90s films driving families to the box offices didn't feature little girls living the American child's dream. The only movie I can remember that prominently featured a little girl is Curly Sue, and she starts out homeless in that movie. Why did this happen? Who knows?

Of course, now, things look a little different, with stars like Hannah Montana and the Cheetah Girls ruling the television, box offices, and airwaves, it looks like girls are starting to rule once again, or are on equal footing with their male counterparts (think High School Musical).

No matter what, though, movies are continuously portraying kids' fantasies as something possible. "Sure, you can be a pop star! Or an astronaut! Or play Major League Baseball!"

I almost don't want to encourage these thoughts. I really don't. But then again, who wants to see a movie about a kid growing up to be a stockbroker? (Even if the economy is in better shape.)

Even if we are continuing to promote impossibilities...well, what kid do you know that would want to go to something as bleak as reality can be?

I'm hoping you answered that with a zero.